My drop in the ocean

My friends accuse me of smiling to myself a lot, as if remembering some private joke. It seems I break into a smile and shake my head, and on being asked about the source of that smile, I just say 'Nothing' and sideline the matter. So, what do I smile at? :)

I have this new thing about being aware of my thoughts. Whenever I think or act silly, a red warning light goes on in my head and says 'Dude, you're being stupid'. Recently I felt a twinge of jealousy about a close friend spending too much time with her other friends and not with me. And moments later, I was smiling to myself, thinking 'Man, you actually felt jealous about this?'

And at the same time I'm also thinking, 'When I'm preaching, this is exactly what I talk against. It's silly to feel jealous about this, it's illogical, it just doesn't hold water. If I could reason to myself before feeling anything, I would reason against feeling even the slightest bit jealous about this. But alas, the human mind is so weak, that we entertain thoughts we know are wrong, and there's very little we can do to stop it.'

This was a very small incident. Often we give in to ego - that great relationship killer. Ego is very important for self-development - anyone who has read Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead will agree with me on this. But this same ego is the number one bane when you become close to someone else. One says things one shouldn't, one thinks thoughts one knows are wrong. It is at moments like this that you know for sure you should not be thinking/saying/doing something, but your ego yanks the steering wheel from your hands and goes its own way. This is amusing when you think about it. You know you should not do something, but you end up doing it anyway.

That is why I smile. Don't tell my friends :)